// fathers day + photo bummer

we had a pretty eventful fathers day weekend

of course all i have is a handful of pictures from my husbands i phone 

because i let my memory card go through the wash... twice.

i don't claim to be a photographer by any measure.

but i missed my camera this weekend. 

there were so many moments that i could envision through a lens.

what i would focus on, the angles i would take a photo from.

moments that won't be relived.

but oh well... at least they're in my memory and in these phone camera images.

we had celebrated my brother and his girlfriend's college graduation 

with brunch with both of their families. 

then on sunday we had phil's family over.

4 out of 7 siblings, 4 spouses, 2 parents, and 7 children.

it was a remarkably nice day. 

the children played and were relatively peaceful.

everyone contributed food for the spread.

everyone helped clean up, especially my mother in law.

the men went out for a movie afterwards and my kids took a legit nap.

it made me want to entertain more... something i will post about soon.

my husband felt loved at the end of the day.

he loves his family and spending time with them. 

it made me happy to be able to do that for him. 

h a p p y  f a t h e r s  d a y  t o  t h e  b e s t  d a d d y  

i n  t h e  w h o l e  w o r l d  i n  t h e  h i s t o r y  o f  m a n k i n d

and heres some pictures of my fearless child playing with live cicadas just because he can.

end of the evening = eating cake right off the plate.

ain't nobody got time for plates. 

// jellybeans, noses, and a psa

this post could alternatively be titled "adventures in potty training" 

but that's so predictable and, also, it implies that i'm still training jake. 

i tried potty training him a few weeks ago. tried=past tense

two days into it i realized that maybe i wasn't quite as ready as i thought 

for how demanding it is going to be.

so i grave myself some grace time. 

i'm waiting until i'm mentally prepared... even if jake has been ready for months now. 

on with the story:

i had been rewarding jake with jelly beans when he used the potty properly.

one particular afternoon, he went, got a jelly bean, and i let him watch a show while i made dinner.

until he walked into the kitchen asking me for help.

he said: "nose, mommy, nose."

which usually means he needs me to wipe his nose. usually.

this time was different.

this time he had decided to stuff a jelly bean so high up his nose that i couldn't get it out.

yay?

i couldn't help but laugh. i was annoyed but the whole situation seemed so humorous.

like, what a typical thing for a kid to do. and how did i not foresee him doing this?

hahahaha. funny, right? kinda.

i called my husband and told him to meet me at the emo

i got siena grace up from a nap ((grr)) and dropped her off at my sister-in-laws.

as jake cried in the back seat and sugary, sticky snot slithered down his face

i received a text message from phil.

"try this!!" with a link attached. 

the link said to do this

um. ew. but i would do anything to avoid a copay. so i pulled over and tried it.

it worked. i couldn't believe it. 

i was elated. jake on the other hand.... let's just say he learned his lesson (i think).

apparently this "method" is called the mothers kiss. sounds so gentle and sweet right?

like a group of children holding hands and frolicking in the fields. 

i did a google search for it and it's a widely accepted thing to do 

since it's common for kids to stick things up their noses. 

i hope i never have to do it again. and i hope you never have to either. 

but if the circumstances arise, now we know how to avoid a trip to the ER.

// diy subway art sign using a vinyl decal

months ago i saw a poster on katy's instagram feed and i l o v e d it. 

i wanted it in my house like now.

one particular wall in my house was screaming for those words to be on it. 

the problem was that the poster was too big and a custom size would cost me $70 plus shipping.

so, yeah.

i had to have it so i went searching for options 

and found someone who sold a vinyl decal of the same quote.

the standard size would fit my wall space so  b  i  n  g  o  !

diy here we come.

here's how:

i took my chances with the jigsaw (i never use tools) and cut a piece of plywood to the dimensions of the decal (12" x 24"). 

i didn't bother with leaving space for margins or borders 

because i didn't want to have too much room for error. 

then husband dearest bought a 1" square strips of wood and cut them to fit the back perimeter of the board. we used 3/4" tacks to attach the wood strips on the front of the board to add some character to it

i painted the front and the sides of the sign and let it dry. 

i lightly sanded part of the face of the sign and the corners.

then i rolled out the vinyl decal over the board

and used kitchen utensils to make sure it was well adhered.

i slowly removed the film starting on the corners.

it was important to remove the film slowly making sure that each letter was coming off entirely.

sometimes part of the letter would stay behind and i would place the film back down 

and use my hand (or a spatula) to push it down to stick well. 

after the cutting, nailing, and painting,

this is one of the easiest dyi's i've done and one of my favorites. 

the project ended up being pricier than i thought 

(about $10 for the wood, $20 for the decal)

but it was exactly what i wanted and that's worth it to me

// good guys

Phil and I both have little brothers.

Little brothers that aren’t so little.

They have both graduated college within a week of each other.

They’re like adults for real.

A few weeks ago we watched my brother graduate from Kean University

with a degree in business and a concentration in marketing. What? I mean.

Phil's brother graduated as a male nurse, or a "murse" if you will, from Rutgers University.

These milestones have me thinking that my kids are lucky.

I know… I can turn anything around and relate it to my kids like the world revolves around them.

But humor me…

They’re lucky because they have uncles and aunts that are pretty cool.

By cool I mean productive members of society.

Our brothers and sisters aren’t bums. 

They go to school. They work. They raise good families. They contribute to the world.

No one is solving world hunger or global warming
but they are examples of how you can be a good, kind person in today's culture.
Goodness and kindness are extremely underrated if you ask me.

While I want my children to dream big, be innovative, and set large goals for themselves,
I want them to know that being a decent citizen of humanity is more important than anything else they might do.

Our siblings are good people and I’m happy my kids get to see that from people that are so close to them.

If my kids end up being like any of Phil's and my siblings, I'd say we did good.

My kids got sick the night before Phil's brother's graduation so we didn't make it 

something I'm still disappointed about because the commencement speaker was one of my fave 

that's why I don't have pictures of it.

Not because I love my brother more. 

// sweet simple girly // baby shower

My cousin hosted the sweetest baby shower for her sister and her niece.

It was the epitome of sweet, clean cut, simple, feminine, fun, and enjoyable.

I’m pretty sure I got credit for some of it… I’m not sure why...
but I didn’t do anything for it other than making cupcakes and a banner.

It was all my cousin.

Baby Melanie Elizabeth will be here before we know it (mid June!)

and I’m so glad we got to celebrate her upcoming arrival.
I'm d y i n g to meet that babe!

Favorite favors ever!

// i'm back. let's catch up.

Well, that was a bit of a break.

My computer decided to slowly commit suicide a couple of days ago. 

My genious husband found that the problem was a bulb on the screen blew.

He ordered a new screen for me. Seriously. He was going to replace the screen. 

The guy is like a tech geek but not a geek.

But the screen didn't fit so I took it as a sign that my desire for a new computer was to be fulfilled. 

So I sit here typing on my new (to me) Macbook. 

I'm a little excited. 

Let's catch up, shall we?

I found $1 popsicle molds at the Dollar General 

and I tricked this boy into thinking frozen smoothies = ice cream #winning

Siena Grace loves to play with the magnets on the refrigerator. 

It's basically how I get dinner done.

Phil says she looks like she's in time out.

Since my computer was broken, I found time to make maps and hang things up. Go figure.

They're heeeesreeee. We've had a few cicada sightings but not too much noise so far. 

I've been trying to get to the gym on a regular basis. Logistically it's hard to make it happen. 

Physically... forget about it. I literally had to use labor coaching techniques to get myself through the last half a mile of a 3.1 mile run. 

These kids. They slay me with cuteness.

She got her ears pierced! Finally! I'm very much traumatized from holding her down and hearing her screams but the cuteness is worth it.

Water play is the best. I can't believe summer is only a quarter of the year. Seems cruel.

// joy

last week i posted about how i was feeling that dreadful day.

i would love to say that the feeling of hopelessness passed.

but it hasn't. it comes and goes. 

but i'm working on it.

i was talking to my husband about all this and he said to me

esther- of course you feel hopeless. you don't get joy out of what you do.

joy? what?

he read this book called choose joy: because happiness isn't enough by kay warren

(i'm  pretty sure he read it hoping to understand me. poor guy.)

as he was reading it he kept telling me 

"this woman is so much like you" and "you HAVE to read this book"

so on friday night during a long drive he asked me to just read one chapter 

(as a bait and hook kinda deal).

and this is some of what i read in the beginning:

"joy does not come easily to me. i'm definitely a glass-half-empty kind of gal."

"i'm not talking to you about joy from the perspective of one of those deliriously happy, peppy people who never have a down day. some days i'm just thrilled to survive"

"sometimes [glass-half-full people] really annoy me... i mutter to myself, i wonder if she'd be smiling so big if she had my problems."

at this point. i'm hooked. my husband was right: this woman is like me. 

i want to know what a negative nancy (that's what i call myself sometimes) like me has to say about joy.

i should tell you that i haven't finished the book. or even gotten past chapter one. 

but i had to share something that is calling me back to read more... this concept:

"joy is a choice... the level of joy you experience is completely and totally up to you. it is not dependent on anyone else-- what they do or don't do, how they behave or don't behave. joy cannot be manipulated by the actions of puny human beings. it is not dependent on the amount of sadness or suffering or difficulties you endure. joy cannot be held hostage to fear, pain, anger, disappointment, sadness, or grief. at the end of any given day, the amount of joy you    experienced is the amount of joy you chose to experience. you, my friend, are in charge."

if it's a choice. then i'll take it.

being frustrated, feeling despair and hopelessness every day is ex-haus-ting. 

i'm going back to this book to figure out what this joy thing is about and how i can get some. 

i hope to share more about it as i go along. 

i'll leave you with something else from the pages of this book:

"the enemy of your heart, Satan, does not want you to leave the place of despair, but the lover of your wounded heart, Jesus Christ, has a better plan for you, and it includes joy."

// today

Today I’m going to be uncensored and honest. I’m not going to sweeten things up because life isn’t always sweet.

Today I am blind. I don’t see the silver lining on the cloud. I don’t see God’s plan.

Today I want to run as fast as I can with no destination. Just run, run, run.

Today I want to reach out to whoever is in charge and say “I don’t think I’m cut out for this position.” I want to say “Can’t you see the house is messy?” I can’t meet all the needs of the kids. I can’t go food shopping. I can’t figure out a schedule that works. I cant do everything. “Can’t you see I’m overwhelmed?”

Today I believe someone made a mistake. Someone though that I could be a stay at home mom. That I had the patience to pick up after little people and wipe their snotty noses and dirty behinds. That I could manage do 10 loads of laundry in one day and not go a little batty. That I had the mental capacity to hear a little voice repeat things over and over. That I could make dinner, foster meaningful relationships with friends, be an attentive wife, manage small amounts of money for food shopping and diapers, go to the post office, get dressed up for events,
go to meetings, and pass for a gracious hostess.

Someone was wrong.

Today I don’t see the point in cleaning up the play room, making a bed, cooking a meal. I just don’t get it

Today my kid has watched 2 hours (and counting) of tv just because I’m apparently incompetent when it comes to raising small children.

Today I feel like I’m not good at this. Like maybe I should have a 9-5 and a nanny and a chef and a cleaning lady and a personal assistant, because they would do a much better job than I am doing. Not because I'm lazy, but because I feel paralyzed in things to do and plans to do.

Today I feel like I am going to snap if I have to make a meal, feed a meal, clean a meal one.more.time.

Today I feel like I need a way to take the decision to stay home back.

Today I feel guilty for having all of these feelings. 

Today I feel like I am going to dwell on these things, believe these things, just for today. Today I’m going to cry more than a little bit. Today I will cry out to the Lord and pound my fists and stomp my feet and ask Him why? Why is it so hard? Why can’t you make things easier? Why? Why? Why?

Just today.

// moms day

every year for mothers day all i want is to do things i love with my family.

all i ask is that no one (ie husband) whines

this year, i wanted to take pictures and go to Ikea.

we slept in on  Sunday, i got coffee and a beautiful handmade card from my boy in bed

we headed out for Ikea and my husband claims he "accidentally" took a wrong turn

it was a beautiful sunday and i was already a bit guilt ridden that i was requesting to spend our day inside a building when we could be enjoying the day

so i took it as a sign (literally and figuratively) that the road we ended up on led to Hoboken. 

we ended up walking around that quaint, lively, busy town

grabbing lunch to go and sitting on a field  where we had a full view of the best city in the world. 

i forgot my camera... so basically i didn't get what "i wanted" for mom's day 

but it was totally perfect. for real.

then, when we got home, we had dinner with my family and i didn't have to cook a single thing.

except i did make a dessert (because i wanted to) that totally failed.